Reality Check

Today I stepped on the scales for the first time in a month, and nearly had a heart attack! The first number was a (*gasp*) 3...yes, a 3...as in 300 pounds. I quickly jumped off, and proceeded to sit down before I passed out. What is going on? I honestly don't know what my actual weight was...I jumped off so quick that all I saw was that 3. And needless to say I didn't get back on.

I recently turned 30 and ever since I've been thinking a lot about life in my 20's. I met my husband, got married, gave birth to 2 gorgeous little girls, bought my first house, and graduated from college (though not all in this order). Sounds great, right? It is, but what about the little things? I feel like I've missed out on so much because of my weight. Let me see if I can explain...

More than once, I've not attended a big event (birthday party, wedding, baby/bridal shower, etc.)...because of my weight. And the ones I do attend, I am miserable and feel like everyone is staring at me.

I hate having my picture taken, and try to avoid it at all costs. This has resulted in my having NO family pictures of myself with my husband and girls. Even the photos of myself with my girls are VERY limited. This makes me sad.

I skipped my own college graduation last year because I knew of another girl that had trouble getting a gown that fit. I didn't want that embarrassment, so I didn't even bother.

I don't...

• Wear tank tops - hello...jiggly jello arms...no thanks!
• Wear shorts - my oldest daughter told me last summer that she's never seen me wear shorts. Really? I had to think about it. Nope, I don't think she has! After I had her is when I started wearing capris, and I don't think I've put on shorts since.
• Go swimming - I can count on one hand the number of times I've had on a bathing suit in the past 6 years. We won't even go there.
• Ride amusement park rides - I've heard horror stories about those who try this and are turned away because of their size. Another thing I'm not even willing to try.
• Walk in my neighborhood - All the moms I see out walking are thin and cute. Why subject myself to the embarrassment?
• Go out in public when I visit my hometown - I try to avoid the park, the stores, everything. I'm terrified that I may see an old friend or high school classmate.

I could keep going, but I think I've painted a pretty clear picture.

I've always (for as long as I can remember) had a problem with my weight. I maintained a weight of 170-180ish throughout my early 20's until I became pregnant for the first time. I was 24, weighed 187, and gained 30 pounds. I quickly lost all of the pregnancy weight, but had slowly put it all back on by the time my daughter turned 1.

About that same time I started a new job that required business lunches and travelling. Eating out on a regular basis and working long hours only added to my already growing problem. Then we moved. And I had to commute to work. And my out of state travelling increased. Eating out became an everyday occurrence. Sometimes for every meal. Sometimes (ok, lots of times) while I was driving to help me stay awake.

I quit my job almost 4 years ago and went back to school fulltime. For 3 years my weight stayed in the 270-280's. I thought I would be able to lose weight easily since I wasn't eating out everyday, but I didn't. Gone was the stress from work and travelling, but the stress from school (with a toddler) proved to be just as bad.

I was at 287 when I found out I was pregnant again. Exactly 100 pounds heavier than my 1st pregnancy. I was upset. I didn't want to be pregnant when I was this big. I was worried about pregnancy complications because of my weight. We knew we would eventually have more kids, but I had wanted to get my weight under control first. But you know what...I hadn't before this, and I'd had plenty of time to do it. I gained 9 pounds, weighing in at 296 on delivery day. That was 1 year ago.

I have to make this work. I want to do fun things as a family. I feel like my weight is not only depriving me of having a happy life, but is depriving my daughters as well.

And that's not fair.

To any of us.